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22 April 2016 @ 11:13 am
22 December 2015 @ 08:10 am
"Do you feel like crying?"

       "I have no time to cry."
10 December 2015 @ 09:55 pm
How is it possible for one to feel whole and empty concurrently?

Feb 2017
2 years mark
Would I be able to last till then?
26 January 2015 @ 12:41 am
Blessed are those who let go in the flow of life.
14 December 2014 @ 02:37 am
Today has been a particularly difficult day.

As my tears flow...I'm learning the pain in accepting an apology I never have
as well as forgiving myself to be hurt this deep, this way.

Tomorrow will be a better day.  
02 December 2014 @ 11:58 pm
2014. 不容易的一年 不順利的internship 戰戰兢兢的遠距離 痛極的分離  一步一步走過來
4年前的痛 雖苦但反而堅定了我對人性的希望和信任
這一次 現實將我對人性 人心的所有所有動搖 粉碎
從開始的抽離 憤怒 怨 恨 心傷 痛苦 迷失 至如今的平靜接受 淡然處之 慶幸伴我行的 有家人 朋友 導師 和 最初的心
曾經聽一位朋友說 扼殺快樂的儈子手 是美好的回憶
事情發生的最初 不斷的鑽牛角尖 思考 為什麼 不可能 怎麼忍心 回憶歷歷在目
每走過回憶一遍 就在未好的傷口補上一刀
所有的抽離在回家后 得知更多后一觸即發 放不掉 避不開 走不了
加速腐爛的傷口讓一點的觸動 就能讓我向心裡的魔鬼妥協 相信人性之惡 人心丑陋 原則難守 不如不守
可是走著走著 我慢慢發覺
這是一條尋找自己的路 這件事情的發生 正讓我慢慢找回我的初心與初衷
慶幸的是 迷失過后 我選擇堅持 堅持信我所信 愛我所愛 惜我所有
感謝的是 痛苦怨恨之余 我感受到愛 我的自愛 對人事物的愛 大家對我的愛 讓我的心靈干固 搖擺不定時填補滋潤 讓天性回籠
感恩的是 在不堪和丑陋之前 我 無愧於心 坦然接受 心存感恩 - 沒有比這更糟糕 心存祝福 - 這樣也好 我 值得更好
原來 寬容他人 放過的 是自己

走著走著 也慢慢發覺 我並沒擱置 遺棄傷痛 相反地 我已進入傷痛本身 用愛承擔
在這不知道終點 冗長沉重的療愈過程裡
唯有愛 能讓我安心的走在當中
唯有愛 能在所有的苦痛后 讓我一步一步的找回最初始的自己 那個單純 熱情 具有愛的生命
而這份愛來自於我的成長環境 我周邊的人 和 自己

是誠信 誠已待己待人 認真對待諾言 己所不欲 勿施於人
是珍愛 即使想望更多 仍然珍視我所擁有的 愛我所愛 不強求不屬於我的
是堅韌 在挫折下堅持 擁抱傷痛 耐心等待 再痛仍會有雨過天晴的一天
是寬容 寬容他人 寬容自己 人誰無過
是謙卑 我已擁有太多 何德何能 讓愛我的家人 朋友擔著我世界崩塌帶來的痛和苦
是淡然 隨遇而安 變幻原是永恆 拿得起放得下 擁有時珍惜 失去時無愧於心 就好
是成長 讓我擁有關愛和照顧心靈的能力

我 還是被眷顧的
03 September 2014 @ 03:11 am

I talked to my supervisor few days ago regarding one of my clients.

I told her I felt the urge within to want to work out issues with this particular client, who came in with subsequent and intense history of abuse. My gut response was that I wanted more than the client can give and I can offer within the short span of time before I leave my agency. True enough, my supervisor told me my goal for now, is to create a safe environment so my client can process the pain and will come back after I leave.

This sense of safety - one of the first few things that I learnt, the foundation for our relationship, so vital, so close to my heart, that I tend to forget the complexity of the process.

As a counseling intern, student, client, and individual, I do see overlapping areas in my roles, especially now that I'm interning and working with people who struggle with pain, daily. I see this happening in my personal relationships.

Without the sense of safety..
it is thoroughly exhausting and draining to overcome the bigger blocks in my relationships.
it is difficult to mutually agree on a fruitful agreement.
it will not be therapreutic, harmful if anything, to continue digging the pain without feeling safe.

My gist is that it really is not simple. I don't expect my client to come for session and feel safe within few sessions, especially when they have a history of domestic violence/sexual assault. It takes efforts, time, understanding, to say the least, to create a space that they deem and feel safe.
Likewise, trust takes time. It does not happen overnight with a conscious decision - and especially tricky when it comes to emotions.

It is a process.

The process can and will be painful because growth, can be painful.
To tell a person you're not doing as you have shared is in and of itself choosing to look past the efforts and energy they have put because they feel insecure.
and feeling insecure is not okay as soon as you said you're going to trust.
and feeling afraid is not acceptable for it is a manifestation of distrust.

Really? I would have done it long, long time ago if it were that simple. If only.

The reason I chose the helping field other than my passion came right down to my curiosity and sensitivity to human interactions and emotions. I sense and I feel naturally. I believe, too, that when we commit to a relationship, we sacrifice our needs and wants to a certain extent.

If it is not okay to consider the partner's potential response and vice versa before making a decision, if we think that we full control of things and people and there is no need to back off, if we do not have the self-awareness of our own feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, if it is as simple as black and white, if committing in a relationship does not require conscious efforts in knowing and drawing boundaries, then why are we in one?

If having the awareness and choosing to continue doing what one does, what does that say?

25 June 2013 @ 08:17 am
Will it be better to believe that everything happens for a reason? or whether it is just a convenient label attached to what we are trying to justify?

It is hard, and even harder to express how painful it is to see someone you love dearly suffer and you're nothing of help, more so when i'm thousand miles away from home.

I just want you to be safe and healthy, my beloved sis.

..and when things like this happen, priorities become apparent. There is no need to think because my heart knows the direction.

Fighting for life! 
30 May 2013 @ 03:17 pm
Been awhile, been awhile! :)

My lovely and loyal livejournal, i still remember you, vividly. Problem logging in? uh-uh, not at all.

Time flies, I'm close to my 6th year in the US. Not easy, but i am grateful to be where I am. :)
Life is getting more challenging - i am starting my practicum next semester, then intern 1 and 2 *gulps*, just thinking of it gives me goosebumps. Plus I'm learning how to drive just in case if i need to during internships, but that means i need to buy a car, and that means i have to start saving and earn extra $$, etc etc. All is good nonetheless. :)

Nothing big other than i'm one step closer to my graduation - cant wait!

And perhaps, the biggest change is that I have changed, so much so that I miss the younger version of me at times. Many have told me so but whether it's a good/bad/good&bad things remains as a question ehehe. I'm still feeling, adapting, and learning to embrace the changes i found within. All in all, it's a process that i couldn't be more grateful to explore and experience alive.

with love.

ah i haven't written non-academic stuff for some time, skills abit rusty now. :p
19 February 2012 @ 04:08 pm
Being away from home is probably one of the harder decisions i have to keep making in time to come.
Talked to my parents. Mom - still sick, and apparently my dad is worried, so am I.

I think i've lost myself along the way..
all reminders - forgotten.
what i possess in return is so much expectations, unforgivingness, and unwillingness.

what have you done to yourself?