Being away from home is probably one of the harder decisions i have to keep making in time to come.
Talked to my parents. Mom - still sick, and apparently my dad is worried, so am I.

I think i've lost myself along the way..
all reminders - forgotten.
what i possess in return is so much expectations, unforgivingness, and unwillingness.

what have you done to yourself?

The toughest moment is not when one works hard to pave way for his/her own dreams and fantasies; not when one faithfully but fearfully waits on an answer--be it positive or negative, not when one's dreams being all shattered along with broken hopes and shaken spirit..
it is the toughest when one finally acknowledges the reality. With unwavering recognition of this is it, and nothing left.

Erikson's theory exists for reasons :)

I feel older now. Feel like identity crisis is somewhat hitting on me. In all aspects of my life. My life. My future. My prospects. My career-soon-to-be. My characters. My flaws. My way of communicating. My relationships with people in my world.
So strange-- i always thought i knew myself pretty well. Yet things have changed, I have changed. Whether i'm still the person I was in essence remains as a question. Who I ideally want to be clashes with who I find myself to be, the default reaction is different from the ideal reaction, and constantly in the process of making what I should what I want can at times be so exhausting and disheartening...
Being genuinely happy takes efforts and I find myself dwelling on question after question about life, myself, people, and things.

Looking back at all these years, i've been thinking and doing things with my feelings.
I've been locking myself up from communicating with my closest bonds.
Now that I start putting my mind before my heart and doing what is right instead of what feels right..it really takes up my energy.
But i want to believe that there is still hope, there is still vision, and there is a life to live.
and so I'm lucky.
To realise all these after so many years of living in ignorance.
To be able to work on them, one by one with joy.
To know that the sun will shine when i'm on my path looking for answers.

I want to keep the positivity and gratitude tightly within, because I know I can't make it without you both.

时光飞逝 美国－－一个很多人憧憬的国土
一个让我成长很多 很多的地方
我 毕业了
辗转在人生的另一个里程碑前
心里的感触很多 复杂的情绪每每让我跌入自己的思绪而不自知
在这些岁月当中
我了解了何谓自私 贪心 表面上和乐而实际内里辗转反折 没有一天的安宁
我了解了彷徨无助 一个人的难受
我了解了泪 流不停的难过
我了解了只要一丁点的触动都会让心疼很久很久的那种痛
我了解了把一切爱与希望都放在一个人的身上是多么大的一个历练
我了解了用生命爱着一个人的那种感觉 甚至没有了自我
我了解了当事与愿违时被摧毁的那种感觉
我了解了失去了生存意志有多么地让人绝望
我了解了觉得生命失去了意义是多么地可怖

可蝼蚁尚且偷生啊 我不能放弃
我要活下去
我非常 非常地努力
这是一个传染病 被传染了
只剩下两个选择
一是复原 一是死去
不会有灰色地带 正如离开与否 放弃与否
我要努力 我要活下去

It's been a while since I last posted and well, as Jian Wei said, when is my blog ever not emotional?True. To some extent I find myself jotting down my thoughts more often when I'm emotionally down or anything that sort. It's funny how human beings write more during emotional moments. This time around, I don't even have the bit of strength to put my words in paragraphs, think of what to write because I desperately need a space to express and handwritten words are too much to bear, for now for I have so much to write and I just want to continue typing without stop. These upcoming few weeks are critical for me because it is a time for me to make a decision of whether I want to stay here or go home and come back few months later, maybe texas, maybe another state. I have no idea. My initial decision was to stay, but now, I'm in doubt. For all my life, there has not been a single matter that bothers me so much as this one does, it really amazes me every single time I think about this. My parents called me earlier today, all I wanted to do was to cry and tell them how i need my comfort of home now, I did not do what as mentioned because I knew they'd be worried, but really, that was all that I thought about when I listened to their voice. I was laughing but my heart was crying. And this is what happens to me every single time when I see him or anything that reminds me of him. I really should stop this, I really should just smack myself for not learning, I really should just..go home. I feel very, very broken inside. I feel alone in doing all that I'm doing. I'm selfish, I'm inconsiderate, I'm..bad. Seriously if I was thoughtful I would have considered their feelings when I went out of control, but dear, I've been trying to control every single moment..but I feel like I'm falling apart already. I feel like I'm changing to this person whom I don't even recognize and this scares me a whole lot. Who? is this girl who has a heart full of the agony of longing? Who? is this girl who can't be happy for the one person who matters so much to her in a genuine manner? Who? is this girl who wants to have him all by herself? You asked me, how can I be so happy all the time? No. I'm not happy all the time. It's because I hid myself when i cried, I cried at anywhere, anytime but definitely not before you. I made sure i was emotionally okay and well prepared to see you every time when we met up, else I wouldn't show up before you. I made sure I dealt with all my negative emotions before I saw you. Because I dont want my last moments with you to be filled with negativity for I know i would probably react in a way so distant if i continue holding my negative emotions inside. I have to make sure I'm okay to see you, and each time after is a time of me adjusting myself, uplifting myself for the next time--because the happier I feel when I'm with you, the more heart wrenching I feel after. I ended up crying every single time after I saw you..and prepared myself for another possibility of seeing you in person. It's a cycle that never ends. I just feel so broken and tired inside for having done this again and again. I don't know how to do it anymore..i really don't know how. I feel so weak. If i knew what to do I would do it really. Or maybe letting you go is a skill I haven't mastered.. this is killing me. Where is my strength? Where is my strength that always held me up when I was down? I don't remember myself being in this state ever before..tell me really..is this going to be one step i'll never be able to take? tell me..give me this strength to stand firm on my stand. give me this hope that i'm lacking of..give me this feeling of being alive once again. Please.

when will i ever learn.

i don't know how..someone, anyone, please tell me there will be a rainbow after the rain this time.

even for just a second, please, give me a glimpse of hope that this too, shall pass.
even for just one moment, let me feel alive..

第二个夏天
一样的炎热 一样的明媚 一样的一切
不同的是
笑容苦涩了 眼泪抗议了

心，遗落了
能够遇见你 认识你 喜欢你 爱上你
就像拥有了全世界
可是我没有办法再撑下去 连支持下去的力量都没有了 最后一丝的力量被现实抽离击碎
真的很痛很疼 深刻的伤心失望 我听到了
今天的我把过往走了一遍
回忆重叠着 一幅幅的画面
彼此的快乐 伤害 痛苦 不舍
走了很远很远才了解这条道路没有终点

可是我很努力－－一片片落叶 终于会开出个花园
爱上你我觉得很幸运 像是天使的礼物
感谢每一分每一秒每一滴眼泪每一次灿烂的笑容
带着对你的祝福 对我的祝福
请你一定要幸福
亲手让世界变美好
下雪大雨过后晴朗的天 会宽阔而耀眼
我会坚强
而当想念侵袭时 我会让翩翩起舞的音符诉说故事
慢慢地仔细地
回归简单的生活 我想
我会喜欢

代价高仍爱
相距很遥远 很遥远
回家， 会好一点吗？

I think I cant do it anymore..

killing me inside..everyday..

Why did my heart wrench so much when those words came out of my mouth?

I'm sorry.
because if it happens again, I will grab you tight and not let you go.
I have no strength to make the same decision the second time. It kills, literally..

I miss you..so, so much.

Never want to do this again, ever.

Having my Spring Break right now, my second one.
I haven't been having enough/sufficient sleep of late. Have been out of control on my daily dosage of coffee - I drank whenever I wanted to. Haven't been letting my mind rest since Friday after I was done with my exams - I guess I would rather have exams than having all these thoughts. Haven't been living well, breathing well, seeing well, with every bit of my heart.
Haven't been taking care of myself well in all aspects.
Looking back on my livejournal, I realize how often I have been updating for the past few months in comparison to before. Perhaps I really needed a space for me to jot down everything within..and handwritten words are just too much to bear. :)
And very likely, I do care, and that's why I'm always in a desperate need to express.
I'm out of control now. Decision has been made and I can only respect and support.
Many times, I felt the hurt building inside me that they started to block my sight of seeing things, block my way of moving forward with a heart of gratitude, blocked my positivity, all at once.
Many times, I felt the unfairness in me that I started to see things filled with so much negative assumption and just wanted to dwell on it with never ending process of thinking.
Have you ever heard of "钻牛角尖"? That's what I was doing to myself the whole time.  I thought about all these how why what why why and why every moment of the day regardless of what I was doing.
I felt like I just wanted to throw everything aside, gulp down a glass of water and forget.
Forget what was once important to me, forget all those wonderful memories intermingled with pain, forget how grateful I always thought I was before, forget all that that's causing me this much of tears and pain.
But every single time after thinking so is every single time I told myself no, that wouldn't be the way I prefer. I would regret if i chose to wipe off everything that means so much to me.
It is overwhelming now, yet my dear girl, this too shall pass.
I remember the many blessings I have around me. My family, my friends, my studies, my ability to still care and love for people who mean so much in my life.
I haven't lost my passion for what I want to do in life, the kind of sparkling hope and faith in what I want to do in the future.
I haven't lost my ability to be grateful for even the slightest blessing I receive everyday.
I haven't lost my hope, my faith, my determination, my courage.
Isn't this the greatest thing of all?

I have the patience to wait--for this to pass.
I still feel so blessed today, this moment for having met a person who's taught me so much more to life than anyone I have ever encountered.
The paradox of beauty and pain.
No pain, no gain.
The law of attraction.
Day by day, my hurt, my pain, my rage, my guilt, my shame, my sorry, are slowly but eventually turning into my gratitude, my blessing, my forgiveness, my concern, my love, in a broader term.
I want to accept anything that comes my way with grace.
And I believe I can do it one day. Because I care.
If there's love, there's definitely more.
Love is powerful, it can break walls, and my wall of negative elements--shall be broken by this more embracing and powerful component of human being.
It's not just about passion, but so much more to it that I believe you would, and you could understand.
I want to set my heart at peace and wait for the moment to come.
Let my mind rest for the rest of the days..its been working for too much, too long before this.
Welcome back, little girl!