Heavy-hearted.

This is the best trial for my patience and perseverance, of how much this weighs to me.
More than I ever thought it was.

"At times, life seems difficult, if not unbearable. We wonder if we matter, if anything matters. At the core of those feelings is a sense of separateness and isolation, of ultimate uselessness. It is precisely at those times that we need to connect, either by giving or receiving.

One time when I was a graduate student, sad about some stupid grade, I was moping my way into the subway on my way home. An old, unkempt street fellow was standing by the entrance to the subway. As any good, perpetually defensive New Yorker learns to do, I averted my eyes to avoid contact. But he managed to get my attention by saying, "You're such a beautiful young lady -- you should be smiling".

I was thunderstruck He didn't ask for anything; he gave me a gift. I imagine he'll never find out the impact he had on me that day and in the almost three decades since then. But he reminded me of two important things: one, that everybody has something to give, and two, no matter what you're feeling or experiencing at the moment, you also have many blessings."

This is shared by my professor during one of the classes.
It made an impact on me.A huge one.It still does.
In times like now,I need it more than anything else.
A pat on the back,a hug,a word of comfort,my source of strength.
I need my family and friends here,I need your assurance.I need a lot of things that I need.I need my source of comfort and companion.
Yet,I'm the only one who can pull myself through this.

It took me a lot to come to where I am today.
I was happy,comfortable,in love with this place.The people.
I'm afraid it might not be the same anymore.

Struggling to find where I stand,who I am and the path I've chosen.
I chose to ignore what was already visible to the eyes of others
but the reality hit me hard this time.
so hard that I lost all my confidence.
at once.

I feel so out of place.
and I jst want to escape,to avoid.
For the first time ever,I lost the directions that I was so sure of
and for the very first time after months,I want to leave.
I want to give up.
It's so hard,so hard to hold on when I have lost all that I once believed in.

How long more am I willing to do this?

Hello world!

I'm finally back,after so long.haha.However,i have no idea when is the next post after this,*thinkin' mode on.erm,i certalnly hope it won't be THAT long anymore.

Nway yeah,the box "restored from saved draft" popped up when I posted this,and I could easily remember how down I was when I saved the draft before.
The reason is not important anymore.
What I learnt is that,right decisions are afterall not that easy to make.
It can be such a pain.
Just for the sake of making a decision that you know is right and that you have to make that choice.

Still in the progress.
It's hard,and it gets harder at times,I'll have to presevere.

I have to do this,but I want to do it genuinely.
Give me the strength.I need it.

I'm also gettin' lost at who I really am today.
I don't know which path to choose and whether Ive chosen the right one.
This is what I want to do but I have no confidence in myself anymore.It comes within.I have memories about the little girl who knew how to fight for her rights in spite of fear,the little girl who had so much passion and courage in her in everything she did.

She's been gone for long.

And I don't even know who has she turned into today..I don't know anymore.I feel so worthless,so stupid for not knowing American History,not knowing WHOLE LOT of stuff,how could I possibly be so dumb.
I feel like I've wasted my 21 years for nothing.What do I know?I know nothing better than a 10 yo kid in all these news or stuff.
I feel worthless as a person.
For not having the courage to speak up,for not having the strength and independence to do things on my own,for not being courageous enough to put my thoughts into action.
So much for being a 21yo adult and what have I done?
Where is my way?Who am I?

Getting lost at my way and who I am is sad
but the saddest thing is I do not even know whether I have the courage to make the change.
And it should come from within.

Imagine this scenario:

Two people go out on a date
The girl is dressed up in a very sexy and revealing way
The girl is acting in a flirtatious way
The girl agrees to go for an expensive dinner as apparently the culture here is a tad different as in the guy is willing to open up his wallet to pay with expectations in return, so the fact that the girl agrees to let the guy pay indicates something.
The girl agrees to go to the guy's apartment late at night.
The girl engages herself in foreplay and becomes sexually aroused
and in the end she comes to a point that she tells the guy in a straightforward manner "I don't feel comfortable doing anything right now"
AND the guy just pins her down and forcefully threaten her in whichever way possible to have sexual intercourse.

First question:
Is this considered rape?
Most of the people will say yes.So not much controversial issue for this.

Second question:
Is the girl at fault for being raped?
NO.Apparently there are people who think she is nonetheless.I don't understand and I certainly don't see any point of that being said.
As what my lecturer has said which I totally agree with-
She did not commit the crime he did, RAPE is a CRIME.
She did not do something morally wrong, he did.
She did not exert force to get something she wanted, he did.
She may be responsible for making unwise decisions which in the end put her in a risky situation BUT HE CROSSED THE MORAL BOUNDARY. She may be unwise but NOT at FAULT.
SHE held accountable for making unwise decisions but HE held accountable for the CRIME.

Can you see the difference?
How can someone who hasn't been through this come to judge the victims who suffer everyday of her life ever since the incident..it can be years.Ive seen the video. Majority of them, or should I say ALL, they couldn't even come to date a person, what more having a family. They have nightmares so frequently that they just refuse to sleep so they wouldn't relive the incident back in their mind. They couldn't trust a single man, even the ones they know personally and they have a plan for everything they do and everywhere they go just in case if anything happens, they have the plan on mind of what to do.

How much it takes for a person to go through all these for every single moment of the day..I don't know.

But I really couldn't understand the individuals who say "Why didn't she punch/kick him if she really didn't want it?", "Everyone held accountable for their own actions"

Little did you know the difference between men's power and strength in comparison to that of women's. What more when the man wants to forcefully exert his power/strength/aggressiveness onto a woman who is weaker in general, let alone one who is panick.
Yes everyone should be responsible for their own actions and so when women say NO in these situations, it means NO.
And what makes you think that you can ignore her wish as well as what she says just so you could fulfill YOURS.
Talk about being responsible..funny. Majority of the people who commited this crime are not even charged for what they have done, where is the sense of responsibility you're talking about now?

It is pure unfair. Like seriously. I felt so upset when I watched the video. Stop judging the things and people on the surface. Keep your thoughts to yourself if you couldn't come to know and understand how much your words weigh to them. Please don't judge, it may be the most unbearable thing/word you could ever say/do to a person.

versus Life and Living.

hehe lots of things running in my mind as I read through my textbook.
Am taking Death and Dying this semester.A continuation of Adult Development and Aging and sigh, the professor is one of the most deep, gentle and fine men I've ever met. For a man of his age, I can say nothing better than to ask just anyone to sign up for his class because it does not deliver the plain texts in textbook, in fact, I find myself engaging in deep learning everytime I listen to his lecture.:)

Maybe I'll just find one free day to write them all out because this term has been really craze and I don't really have extra time for myself :l let alone to blog.But I promise I will try.

Meanwhile just enjoy some of the random peektures I took some time ago hehe.



While waiting for someone.

and



with my one and only mandarin orange :D



and my *slurps* yummlicious peanut coooookie!:D

Gotta hit the sack nw,getting late..and oh my god,i'm 28378787767 times hungry now shoots.

In the comp lab.

Hehe let me update abit.
Generally,classes are good so far.Had been switching some of the classes I'd chosen earlier though,but this is not a big prob because I guess it's pretty much all done right now and all I have to do is to study hard and play harder.
HAHAH.:p

Taking a number of classes more than I'd even taken thus far and I'm really worried and constantly thinking whether could I cope with it or not.Cos the classes are hectic and the workload..foooahhhhh.It's a tad scary to me..esp one of my subs..a test and a pile of homework EVERY single week,what more with the labs and my few other subs.
I'm gonna be so dead during midterms and finals and projects deadlines and blah blah blah whatever that I have to do and when they are all squeezed together within the same period of time.
Dead week will be even worse.
HOWEVER,this is the bad side of it,on the good side,I'm saving my time spent here..cos I really want to graduate faster(it takes another two years :l)and overall,i guess it's really not that bad even if I have to do this for my every upcoming semester.:)
I want to take these challenges,anyway.
For I know I can do it.Undeniably it'll be hard but yes,I know I can go through it at the end of the day.
So good luck to me!

--------

I realized lately that the life here is not that easy..esp when you don' t have your really closed ones and the ones you trust whole heartedly with you.
Everything is going to be so hard.
and it's even harder when things and people come and knock you down when you're already emotionally down for some reasons.
It's okay,I always learn it the hard way.
And during times like these,I will always make calls back home and my lovely strengths over the world to talk..and amazingly,it always works for me and I'll be happy once again.:)

Anyway,my point is that,I have learnt to take things in a different perspective now.
I'm not mad,perhaps disappointed at what you did,but not mad anymore.
Because it's always better to let go the hurt than to hold it on so tightly that it hurts even more.
This is something I knew very,very long ago,it is hard though,to really put it into action.
That's the reason why for the times I met you,I couldn't have a nice and decent conversation with you for knowing what you did and how sily I was to have believed you.
I was at fault too.
And how could I forget the saying I put on my personal message when things like that happened?
I really want to embrace and love you as my friend instead of remembering what happened and let the grudge ruin all the possibilities of our friendship.
I want to get the saying moving and put it into action,not just to the ones I've loved and cared for since a long,long time ago but more,to the people I'm not close to and people that are hard for me.

It's so much more easier to love the people who are important and nice to you,genuinely,naturally.
But then I want to do more,to those who have caused me pain and disappointment,slowly but surely.
I want to allow room for mistakes and I want to love the people who think they are undeserved for anyone's affection because this is not true,everyone does.You do,I do.
Life is about making choices.

I just made one.

I learnt throught this lesson that you taught me.:)

This is ironic,in a way.In a way that I had not posted anything here for long and once I did,I did it twice a day.:)

I'm really missing my family and friends back home so much.Trying hard to suppress it but I guess the more you do,the more it surfaces,what more with the upcoming cny which I won't even be able to attend physically.

So this is one,and only then I found out people can be so utterly fake,or not appreciative.
This is a matter of degree,and different people have different perceptions of how fake or appreciative a person can be.
This is totally fine with me because no one has to agree with MY opinion.
No one can decide how fake is considered as fake and no one can judge how not appreciative is considered as not being appreciative.
I do not care about all these because this is how I feel and I'm feeling it based on how I perceive it.

and this is how I feel towards certain people and it scares me.
Maybe it is because I care too much and I,shall be responsible and do something about it.
This is why I'm thinking is it because of you,or me,chiqa.
In any way,I always try to put myself into a person's situation when it goes overboard because in this way,I can understand it better and a lot of times,I will then let it go because I know I would have done the same thing if I were in the same condition.

Again,I did this time.
But I didn't come to understand because I wouldn't have done the same thing unless I have certain intentions.
So do you have the kind of intentions that I think you do?

And my mummy rang me up at the right time.
As I listened to her voice,to everything she had to tell me,to everything she had to remind me of,to everything she's doing at home without me helping her,to just her voice,I couldn't help but to tear.
I miss her so much.
I wanted to tell her everything and how I feel but I couldn't.
and my sister who talked to me less than five minutes.
but the patience she showed me for my entire 20years,is incomparable with anyone who has ever shown me.
The times she put up with my bad attitudes,the times when I let out my anger without proper reasons.

Missing my home is worse enough,knowing the true colors of certain people is another thing,but this definitely makes me miss home even more.
To a breaking point,it is.
The good thing,however,is I come to appreciate the ones I love even more.

Hehe a new post for a brand new year,tho it's a tad late.
and this is after the persuation of Mister Hammy for so many times,nah,here it is okie!Updates!hahaha.

My bad.:p

Overall,haven't been doing anything REALLY productive during this winter break,all I did was the usual eat sleep play kinda stuff haha.Most of all,moving here and there with multiple boxes and luggages and spending time with friends.
So once again,I shall let the pics do the talking,haha.

 
In Dallas Water Aquarium.haha and this is a successful one,let's see the failed one.


HAHAHAHAHAH.And I was being laughed at for so long for taking this super failed pic with super failed skills.lol.
Okie la.I'm brushing up my pic-taking skills.whatever it is called.and nway this is the only place we entered the entire trip because we went during Xmas which meant everyone stayed at home and the street was so quiet we can even walk in the middle of the road as if it's our property.:p

Lesson learnt.Cos this is the only city we went and DWA is the only place we got to enter.:l


The group.


THE PENGUINS!!!!!!!Man they are SO cute beyond words and it was the first thing we saw when we went through the entrance lol we ended up spending so much time just right in front of them to take the perfect shot.


TOO CUTEEEEEE!IRRISITABLY CUTE!

Another super cute createure I saw would be....

Dugong.The way we call it.haha

And I bought a lil fluffy Dugong at the gift shop.Wanted to get the penguin as well but it looks weird so..:)


And the random Char Siew Fan we got from Asian Market.It tasted so goooooood almost like home.The Siu Kai was finger lickingly goooood but the Char Siew tasted a tad weird I don't know why,not like the ones we have back home.The portions was HUGE!hahaha.Satisfying yum yum.


It's getting colder and colder each day here and this is the pic I took during one of the random days that everything was covered by a layer of ice.The whitish layer was actually the icy layer.


One of the signboards we see everywhere.


The swiiiinnnnnnnnng outside the residence hall.

 
Tao Ran.Lin Yu.Jia Wen.CiCi.Yun at our housewarming partay.


The host with Sam!


The 3super noisy girls living under one roof.


五小福lacking the other two.


After multiple shots,finally,the host and the guests!:)

And..

I shall end it with a complete 七小福peeeekture!hee.

This is part of the memories Ive created thus far.
However,I want to go home so badly,with the people I love so much,to spend time together regardless of doing what and yes,celebrate CNY.:)
This is the first CNY of me being away from home.
Not Aussie,Not SG,Not Korea or Japan or HK or Taiwan or anywhere near but almost half a globe away.
I think it's gonne be alright.I certainly hope so.
But in fact,I'm not that sure whether it's really okay for me to eat the simple dishes we cook when there are tons of homecooked dishes I miss so much going around on my mind.Whether it's really okay for me to have a simple gathering here for CNY when I know everyone I do love and care for is gathering back home with so much joy and laughter.The long car rides back to hometown,the CNY songs,the family including my extended ones..the smiles,the familiar faces,the joy,the atmosphere..

The more I write,the more I miss it..
And so I will just stop right here.
I miss everyone in my family so much.Including my extended family members and my lovely strengths back home.:)