Having my Spring Break right now, my second one.
I haven't been having enough/sufficient sleep of late. Have been out of control on my daily dosage of coffee - I drank whenever I wanted to. Haven't been letting my mind rest since Friday after I was done with my exams - I guess I would rather have exams than having all these thoughts. Haven't been living well, breathing well, seeing well, with every bit of my heart.
Haven't been taking care of myself well in all aspects.
Looking back on my livejournal, I realize how often I have been updating for the past few months in comparison to before. Perhaps I really needed a space for me to jot down everything within..and handwritten words are just too much to bear. :)
And very likely, I do care, and that's why I'm always in a desperate need to express.
I'm out of control now. Decision has been made and I can only respect and support.
Many times, I felt the hurt building inside me that they started to block my sight of seeing things, block my way of moving forward with a heart of gratitude, blocked my positivity, all at once.
Many times, I felt the unfairness in me that I started to see things filled with so much negative assumption and just wanted to dwell on it with never ending process of thinking.
Have you ever heard of "钻牛角尖"? That's what I was doing to myself the whole time. I thought about all these how why what why why and why every moment of the day regardless of what I was doing.
I felt like I just wanted to throw everything aside, gulp down a glass of water and forget.
Forget what was once important to me, forget all those wonderful memories intermingled with pain, forget how grateful I always thought I was before, forget all that that's causing me this much of tears and pain.
But every single time after thinking so is every single time I told myself no, that wouldn't be the way I prefer. I would regret if i chose to wipe off everything that means so much to me.
It is overwhelming now, yet my dear girl, this too shall pass.
I remember the many blessings I have around me. My family, my friends, my studies, my ability to still care and love for people who mean so much in my life.
I haven't lost my passion for what I want to do in life, the kind of sparkling hope and faith in what I want to do in the future.
I haven't lost my ability to be grateful for even the slightest blessing I receive everyday.
I haven't lost my hope, my faith, my determination, my courage.
Isn't this the greatest thing of all?
I have the patience to wait--for this to pass.
I still feel so blessed today, this moment for having met a person who's taught me so much more to life than anyone I have ever encountered.
The paradox of beauty and pain.
No pain, no gain.
The law of attraction.
Day by day, my hurt, my pain, my rage, my guilt, my shame, my sorry, are slowly but eventually turning into my gratitude, my blessing, my forgiveness, my concern, my love, in a broader term.
I want to accept anything that comes my way with grace.
And I believe I can do it one day. Because I care.
If there's love, there's definitely more.
Love is powerful, it can break walls, and my wall of negative elements--shall be broken by this more embracing and powerful component of human being.
It's not just about passion, but so much more to it that I believe you would, and you could understand.
I want to set my heart at peace and wait for the moment to come.
Let my mind rest for the rest of the days..its been working for too much, too long before this.
Welcome back, little girl!